As Annie Lamott writes in “Hallelujah Anyway”… here, I apologize for copying out her words… they speak so to my heart. With hope you will procure the book, as have I::
“The path away from judgement of self and neighbor requires major mercy, both giving and, horribly, receiving. Going without either of them leads to fundamentalism of all stripes, and fundamentalism is the bane of poor Mother Earth. Going without engenders blame, which offers it’s own solace but traps us like foxes. We trick out box traps with throw rugs and vases, until the pain grows too big. Then the only way out of jail is forgiveness.
There should be an app, with a checklist or map. But no, the way out takes admitting you are wrong and sorry. No, no, anything but that. Forgiving people makes you weak. Push them away! Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” But I can’t launch forgiveness of my own volition, from my air-traffic controller mind. We avail ourselves through failure, service, singing, silence, sorrow.”
Humbly attempting to challenge a well embossed pattern here… I am in the process forgiving myself for (so many things…) not writing in this space for a time. Having passed judgement on myself and found imperfection and failure, I retreated and pushed writing (my soul’s balm) and you away. It took a bit of time for me to bring the airplane home safely and land myself within my own forgiveness.
These particular travels, April – June, have taught me much about signing up (arranging, scheduling, reserving) for nearly continuous stimulation, experiencing new places and people without setting aside time to let them inhabit and develop. Without time for contemplation of all that action or for time for unpacking. Skimming along at the speed of, what – I don’t know.
The next post, written early in this month, June 3 and summarily banished. Written from the passenger seat while driving to The Next Destination (TND), re-read and disgustedly banished from my screen as we arrived at TND because it was so fragmented and senseless. Because it was a blow by blow without the heart of the experience.
Hidden in a folder until today when I was finally sweetly, forgivingly able to read, reorder and calm the chaos. I honor that time of writing by posting for you the following experience.